Conflict Resolution at Work

In sports, at work, and in life, conflict is inevitable. You’re always going to have disagreements, and as much as we’d like to wish otherwise, people don’t always get along. Especially in the world of sports where emotions run high, conflict comes with the territory. But fighting is optional. In my over 25 years of experience as a cricket umpire, I’ve gotten up close and personal with conflict. No, conflict is not something to be feared. Think of it as just another issue that you can successfully manage with the right tools and approaches.

So, here are some winning strategies that will help you in any high-stress situation.

Listen Effectively

To manage conflict, you need to understand why it has occurred in the first place. If your customer is upset because they haven’t heard back from you about an order, telling them to calm down won’t cut it. You need to be asking them what their concern is and why they’re feeling upset – only then can you understand how you can best settle the issue. This is why active listening is the crucial first step to managing conflict.

Let’s take the example of one of the first ODI (One Day International) matches I umpired – Australia versus the West Indies. There was a disagreement between Brian Lara (who was batting) and Michael Bevan, and I took it upon myself to step in. I told Brian to focus on the cricket and not on arguing with Michael. Now, Brian was upset with me for stepping in too soon. What was a player-versus-player conflict now turned into a player-versus-umpire conflict. These were two experienced sportsmen and I got involved without understanding what the problem was.

Instead of asking questions and offering to help, I told Brian what to do. I wasn’t listening effectively and as a result, I couldn’t manage the situation. After the match, I spoke to my colleague – another International Umpire – and asked him what I could’ve done differently. Basically, I should’ve done the opposite of what I did. The better approach would’ve been to hold back and let the players get their grievances off their chests. With that context, I could’ve asked Brian what the issue was and how I could help. Unless you’re able to listen effectively, you won’t have the common understanding needed to manage conflict. Getting a proper understanding of the issue and why the person feels the way they do is key.

Focus on the Issue

There’s a term we use in sports that goes “play the ball, not the man”. In a conflict, things can get personal really quickly, and that’s when tempers flare. It comes down to how you’re using language. We’ve all been in arguments that have devolved to pointing fingers: “You did this!” or “You’re wrong!” All of a sudden, we lose track of the issue and are directing our frustration at the person – labelling and accusing them. You’re emotionally hijacked. Instead of solving the problem, the conversation becomes about saving face and not feeling offended or threatened. You’re playing the man instead of the ball.

A better way is to keep the discussion focused on the issue, and think about potential solutions. Language is very important here. You want to use inclusive language to tell the person that you’re on the same side of the table. You could say, “What can we do here?” or “How does this affect us?” or “Can you help us?” When you avoid framing the issue as you-versus-me, and use words like “us” and “we”, the other person is less likely to feel threatened or under attack.

Mirror the Behaviour You Want to See

Let’s say you’re in a situation where the person you’re talking to is already angry – they’ve raised their voice, or are stamping their feet. Would you shout back at them to resolve the issue? Surely that would only make things worse. If you want someone to calm down, reflect a calm demeanour back to them. Be measured in your words and keep your voice low. Stay rational even if things get personal, which can happen all too quickly in an argument. Interestingly, you’ll find that when you reflect a calm demeanour, the person who is riled up will start mirroring your behaviour. Of course there will always be exceptions to the rule. But by and large, remaining calm will give you the highest chance of getting the other person to calm down as well.

Be Self-Aware

First, remember not to take things said in a conflict environment personally, even if the person is being confrontational. When I officiated cricket matches, I soon realised that players weren’t directing their anger at me personally; they were frustrated with my uniform, the system, or what I represented. I’m sure you’ve said things you don’t mean in the heat of the moment. So when you’re in a conflict situation, filter through the personal jabs and ask yourself what the person is actually trying to communicate. When you start taking things personally, conflict will only escalate. Being self-aware will help you steer clear of taking things personally.

Have you noticed a pattern in the types of issues that get to you? Is it a particular tone that consistently ticks you off, or a certain topic? Knowing your triggers will allow you to change your responses to them. Imagine you’re in a situation where someone is pushing your buttons. If you’re self-aware, you’ll notice yourself getting angered and then proceed to change your internal state. Of course, this level of self-awareness takes practice, and it most definitely doesn’t happen overnight.

I cannot emphasise enough how important it is to practice self-awareness. Because in the heat of battle, your body reacts as well – your heart rate increases, your blood pressure rises. You start to function on autopilot, often without thinking through the consequences. When you’ve practised responding calmly to conflict situations, it puts you in a better position to diffuse the situation in its initial stages. Practise self-awareness like you would practise any other skill you’d want to pick up. Calm should be your default mode when you’re provoked.

Prepare a Language Toolkit

As you start to change your default responses to conflict situations, it is worth building a language toolkit that will help you respond to situations calmly. I talked to other match officials and asked them what was in their toolkit – what options do I have to appease two parties, how do I explain things without baiting someone to an argument? While this may change from situation to situation, I’d recommend having a few phrases or questions ready that show the person you’re engaging with that you want to understand their perspective. You could say “Thank you for sharing, I understand how you feel,” or “I’m pleased you told me, let’s see how we can make things better,” or “Would you be able to help us by…”

Empathise, But Be Firm

Usually, people are frustrated when they feel that they’re not heard. So your first response when someone is riled up, should be to acknowledge that the situation isn’t ideal. When you ask questions and acknowledge their emotions, you’re actually empathising with them. In most cases, this will prevent matters from escalating.

Let’s say you’ve provided your listening ear and have tried to understand, but the person is still angry. You’ll now have to switch your communication style. Be firm. You should tell them that while you understand that they’re unhappy, if they continue behaving this way they’d leave you with no choice but to take further action. Then outline what that action might involve – reporting to a manager, or issuing them a warning.

What you’re doing is handing control back to the person. You’re telling them that they get to decide how this situation pans out. You’re telling them you’re not trying to control the situation, and are just responding to what they’re doing. So they have the power to influence the outcome by choosing to change their behaviour. They’re the ones in charge here.

As you’ve told them what they can expect if they continue down the path of conflict, they won’t be taken by surprise. They’re therefore less likely to fight with you or get explosive when you do have to take that step. You’re not adding fuel to fire, you’re giving them the heads-up that they need. While the person may not be happy about it, they’re likely to calm down to avoid being penalised.

With the above strategies, you will be able to respond effectively when a conflict arises. I’ve worked with elite athletes from across the world, and these techniques have worked regardless of language barriers and cultural differences. These strategies can be easily transferred to your home as well. Just note that there will be as many viewpoints as there are people, so conflict is bound to happen. While you can try to minimise conflict, you may not always fully resolve it. Let’s look at how you can manage conflict.

Big Egos in Conflict

In the business world or in sport, the most successful people usually have a bit of an ego. There’s a bit of bravado, a lot of self-belief and self-confidence. It comes with the turf: these are the traits that help you succeed in the first place. So how do you handle big egos in conflict situations?

I’ve found that even in the heat of battle, if you ask someone for help, they won’t turn you down. This goes across the board for most cultures, too. Take Ricky Ponting or Sachin Tendulkar. If I’d have asked them to help me sort out a conflict situation, they’d be more than happy to. When you ask someone for help, they feel important. Some people might call that stroking their ego, I would call it appealing to their sense of better judgement. Positioning is everything here. When you’re trying to influence someone’s behaviour, you’ve got to shape it in a way that sounds appealing. What’s in it for them? Let me give you two scenarios.

In scenario one, you give the person with the big ego an opportunity to show their leadership. So if Shane Warne was getting upset, I’d pull him aside and talk to him. I’d tell him, “I’m wondering if you could help us out here. Some players are starting to lose their cool, could you please chat with them and settle them down?” By doing this, I am offering Shane the opportunity to walk away from this with a better reputation. He’d have the chance to be a leader, and get applauded for it. This is a great way to motivate someone with a big ego.

In scenario two, imagine someone like Kevin Pietersen with a larger-than-life personality. He’s getting angered by a situation that’s playing out. He’s starting to react. I’d approach him and say, “I understand what you’re feeling, but there’s a match referee waiting to take some of your match payment from you. It would be a good idea for you to calm down now.” What’s in it for Kevin? He doesn’t want to get reported for a code of conduct breach or affect his match metrics negatively. In this case, I knew what pushed his buttons and used it to get him to avoid escalating the conflict.

Let’s move this concept into the workplace, and you’ll find other factors to take into consideration. Will regularly asking for help reflect poorly on you? You don’t want to be the person who seems like they can’t get anything done without asking for your senior’s input. To prevent this, you should be subtle in the way you approach people to ask for help. You could also prepare to avoid conflict situations altogether by setting people with big egos up for cooperation beforehand.

Preparing for Potential Conflict

Let me give you an example from cricket. Let’s say it’s a high profile IPL (Indian Premier League) playoff match. Two players have had a history of disagreements, and they’re lining up against each other in an upcoming match. I’d set up a one-on-one chat with each of those two individuals in a non-threatening environment. There’s nothing riding on this, it’s a neutral situation where emotions are calm. I’d then ask them what the issue was, and tell them that if a conflict situation were to arise during the match, they should talk to me before taking matters into their own hands.

The idea is to set up an anchoring point before conflict happens. That way, if conflict does happen, you have a touch point. You can use that earlier conversation to remind both parties of what you’d agreed on.

How do you apply this in the workplace? Say there’s someone in your team who is generally disruptive or likely to cause conflict in a group environment or meeting. Ahead of the meeting, set up a quick chat with this person in a non-threatening space. Ask them about previous conflicts, and what they took issue to. Then brief them about the upcoming meeting, and let them know that if any problems were to come up, they should talk to you first instead of reacting. Again, you may not successfully eliminate conflict every single time, but you’re giving yourself a higher chance of influencing a positive outcome.

Keep in mind that there will always be limitations to preparation. While we can learn from past incidents and a person’s history of behaviour, the truth is that you have no way of knowing when conflict will happen. Interpersonal dynamics are complex, and no two situations are ever the same. All you can do is prepare a strong toolkit of responses that will support you when conflict happens.

Conflict Management Is an Ongoing Conversation

When I officiate a cricket match, I make it a point to sit down at the end of the day and assess the match. What worked well and what didn’t? What could be done differently next time? After a conflict has happened, this is especially relevant. You have the opportunity here to review and add to your toolkit of responses, should a similar situation happen in the future. I would even sit down with my colleagues to break down the match and gain their perspective. Unfortunately, it’s relatively rare that this happens in the corporate environment. Only when you analyse what has happened can you have continuous improvement.

When was the last time you reviewed your conduct at work? It’s usually during a mid-year review or a year-end review that people sit down and examine how people are doing. I find this cycle too drawn out. In conflict management, we’re talking about making small shifts in behaviour or making small changes that are going to improve your game from day-to day, one week or one month at a time.

Look at how to shorten your continuous improvement cycle. Try to make it more responsive. Do you have a system of mentorship at your workplace? If so, you could use mentors as a way to have those conversations with employees, simply by saying “let’s unpack what happened a little.” That way, people don’t have to wait until a review to get feedback and make the small behavioural adjustments that will actually make the most impact in the long term.

Another powerful strategy is role playing. Let’s say you are in a leadership role and are responsible for mid-level managers, who all have big egos. How do you get them to work together and minimise conflict? Take some examples of conflict situations that they’re not personally involved in. You could even film such conflict situations and show them to your managers. Then ask them how they would have responded.

Use role plays as a tool to awaken self-awareness in people with big egos. Especially for people with big egos, role playing gives them a chance to examine situations objectively. I’ve found that most times, people don’t even realise that they have a problem, but role playing helps them realise how their behaviour might affect others. You could then offer them case studies to show how others have handled such situations. Be consultative. Ask them what they think – would these techniques work for them? Which of these strategies would they be able to apply in their own teams?

The Limits of Compromise

If you walked into a store expecting to buy a whole cake, but end up getting just half, you’re not going to be happy are you? With compromise, you’ll usually have some degree of dissatisfaction – even anger – because you haven’t got what you wanted. Instead of protecting individual interests, you should put the focus on winning in a larger sense.

Winning in this situation means doing what it takes to prevent the issue from escalating to a point where either party is in trouble. To manage the conflict, redirect the focus to the larger wins that are common to everyone involved. In cricket, that would be telling players to get on with the game, as it would cost everyone precious time and money if the match was stopped midway. You may not ever reach a state where both parties are in agreement. But, you will find both parties trying to get what they need out of the situation. If two kids are fighting, instead of mediating and going into who is right or wrong, you could tell them that they’d both avoid getting into trouble if they stopped arguing. Since this is a shared goal, they’re likely to put their differences aside and settle on a reasonable outcome.

Compromise isn’t going to make people happy, but it is one way to manage – not eliminate – conflict. As a mediator, you’ll have to make your agenda and outcomes clear. Part of conflict management is accepting the fact that you won’t be able to please everybody involved.

1. Build Your Response Toolkit

Make a checklist of behaviours that will help you stay composed in times of conflict. Are you focusing on the issue? Are you taking deep breaths? Are you listening actively? Are you empathising with the other person? Are you keeping your voice low? Be strategic on how to get the outcome you’re looking for.

2. Ask, Don’t Tell

Ask questions that will help you understand what’s causing the conflict. This will allow you to respond effectively and help the other person feel acknowledged. Don’t approach a conflict by judging or assuming anything.

3. Use Language Wisely

Make sure you’re using inclusive, non-threatening language when you’re engaging with someone in a tense environment. Use words such as “us” and “we,” to show them that you are on the same team and are focused on solving the problem.