Make Small Talk Worthwhile

Small talk is an important skill to master regardless of what you do or where you live. It is an essential part of building relationships with people around you, whether professional or personal. It allows you to initiate a conversation with someone who may add value to your life and vice versa.

For extroverts, small talk comes naturally. They enjoy being around people and having one conversation after the other. It may seem like they know the right thing to say at the right time. They have no qualms about putting themselves out there and engaging with others around them.

On the other hand, small talk can be quite intimidating for extreme introverts. It probably took a significant amount of energy just for an introvert to step outside of the hotel room and walk into the conference full of strangers. Just the thought of having a conversation with a stranger may cause them to break into cold sweats.

If small talk is overwhelming for you, how can you master this skill to your advantage? Before you even set foot in an event, it is fundamental for you to know your agenda. Why are you there in the first place? What do you want to get out of this event? When you have an agenda, it can guide your conversations and your plan of action as you participate in the event.

The easiest way to strike up a conversation with a stranger is to use the context to your advantage. I attended a conference for lead designers. Everyone had experience in design, and we talked about team building and rules we would use to guide our team. It was a wonderful conversation starter because everyone had something to share.

In addition to our work experiences, we also talked about the main topic of the conference. Because the conference was about a new tool called Envision, we shared our experience or lack thereof with this tool. It was easy and natural to discuss the main topic of the event.

If you attend a wedding, it is unlikely for you to know everyone at your table. You can use the context of your situation to start up a conversation. For example, you may ask, “So, how do you know the bride and groom?” When you start a conversation using the context, it makes everyone feel more comfortable and builds common ground between two strangers.

However, if you happen to find yourself in a situation where you are out of your comfort zone, you can start by observing what other people are talking about. When you are ready to hold a conversation, you can talk about similar topics or discuss the latest news.

If you happen to be in a foreign country and most of the other attendees are locals, then you can tell people that you are from overseas, and it is your first time in their country. It is likely that people will start to ask you questions about where you are from, and this can help you feel more comfortable about having a conversation with them.

It always pays to be honest. People may be kinder than we expect, and they may reach out to you and help you feel welcome. So, it does not hurt to tell people that you are not comfortable in your current situation because you are new. Then, you can ask others to tell you something about this place.

Be Prepared for the Event

In order to make small talk easier, there are a few things you can do to prepare. First, do some research about the event, location, and weather so that you can dress appropriately for the occasion. People often dismiss the importance of this because it seems trivial. But if you are dressed appropriately, you are more likely to feel comfortable engaging with others and vice versa.

It would also be helpful to stay updated on the latest happenings in the area or industry because this would serve as good conversation starters. Bring up topics that others can relate to and let the conversation flow naturally.

If you show up to the event dressed appropriately, but you still feel uncomfortable with starting a conversation with someone, then give yourself permission to stand around quietly and observe. People may surprise you and welcome you into their conversation.

Whether you are starting a conversation or engaging with someone else who has invited you into another conversation, having a clear agenda for your attendance can guide your small talk. If you are trying to sell something or gain new clients, then you can ask questions around your product or industry to learn more about the other party before making your pitch.

As is important in any conversation, be ready to listen. Pay attention to what the other person is saying and read their body language so that you know if the other person is interested in continuing the conversation with you. As you listen, you may find topics that spark your interest, and it can help reveal follow-up questions to continue the conversation.

A lot of professionals, especially in India, do not believe in small talk. It may seem like a waste of time when those five minutes could have been used to start your sales pitch or negotiation. Busy professionals prefer not to spend precious time discussing trivial matters.

Most people in India are very shy and prefer to jump straight to the point. But, small talk is important for developing a relationship beyond the immediate need. Building a meaningful relationship helps to build trust, which can even be beneficial for your professional relationship in the future.

So, small talk is necessary, even in a professional setting. It helps strangers feel more comfortable with the other person and builds common ground. It helps everyone settle into their surroundings before diving into a matter of pertinence.

Although it may be appropriate in certain situations, talking about business from the beginning may be threatening and uncomfortable for the other party. So, small talk helps to create a foundation for the conversation and invites the other person into a comfortable space to share and feel welcomed.

In order for small talk to be effective, it must be contextual. Otherwise, it will seem completely random and irrelevant. For example, if you are in a professional setting, it would not be appropriate to ask personal questions. Instead, you could talk about new happenings in your industry.

Even if it is difficult for you to break out of your shell, try to speak naturally and allow the conversation to flow organically. If you talk about something that has relevance to the context, then others will feel comfortable carrying out a conversation with you. It serves as a great follow-up for your second encounter.

No-No’s

When engaging in small talk, keep in mind that the goal is to make all parties feel comfortable in order to discuss more important topics. As such, be careful not to bring up any topics that are polarising. Polarising topics are controversial, highly debatable, and cause division rather than unity.

A great example of a polarising topic is politics. While some people may not pay much attention to politics or affiliate with a particular side, others hold strong political views. Bringing up politics is risky and can lead to a disagreement, argument, or a heated debate. This is the last thing you would want when trying to establish a professional relationship.

Another taboo for small talk is appearance. Commenting on someone’s appearance can be inappropriate especially if you are meeting the person for the first time. Because you do not know them, your questions may come across as offensive or rude. To avoid this, it is better to ask questions that are relevant to your context.

As a means to learn more about a person, some people tend to ask personal questions during the first meeting. Although a select few may respond positively, most people would be guarded and prefer not to share private details about their lives. Once you have developed a rapport with the person over a certain period of time, you could consider talking about your personal life.

Previously, I had a long-term project with someone who was British. One day, we had a Skype call, and I was wearing traditional Indian clothes. Because we had developed a relationship over the past six months, I was not offended when he asked me about what I was wearing. This was only appropriate because we had already developed a rapport.

As you develop a relationship with your business partner or client, your small talk changes. Once you are meeting someone for the second or third time, it means that your first meeting was successful. You can slowly begin to introduce more personal questions as you get to know the person better.

There is no hard and fast rule about how your conversation should evolve, but always be honest with yourself. How would you feel if you were asked the question you are planning to ask? It is most likely that the other party would feel the same way, whether good or bad.

Go With the Flow

An average length for small talk could be about five minutes. In order to value yours and the other person’s time, gauge your conversation and connection based on your small talk. If your conversation is not moving in a fruitful direction after five minutes, move on.

In other situations, small talk may last more than five minutes. If you’re waiting in a queue for ten minutes, then you may end up engaging in small talk with the person in front of you for ten minutes. If it turns out to be a valuable connection, then your conversation will naturally transition into other topics. But if only small talk remains, then you could end the conversation and say something like, “I’ll catch up with you next time.”

Effective small talk should transition smoothly into a natural conversation. If you find yourself asking one question after another, then perhaps the other party is not quite interested in holding a conversation with you. It would be best for you to move on to someone else.

When I engage in small talk with peers, I focus on making the other person feel comfortable. I do not want the other person to feel like they are in an interview. I also avoid jumping directly into work related questions, because they either may not be relevant to the context or worse, may come across as threatening.

If, for instance, you find yourself talking to an entrepreneur, don’t ask too many personal questions about their current role. There usually is a certain level of personal attachment to their work because they had to make a personal decision to let go of a job in order to start their business. If you are meeting for the first time, they may not be ready to share their decision-making process behind their business.

As with everything, it is best to be genuine. If you do not care to know certain details, do not waste your time asking. Most people can read your vibe clearly. If someone feels like you are asking things just for the sake of asking, it’s quite natural for them to get turned off. Ask about things that interest you. Otherwise, you might miss out on a potentially good professional relationship.

Take Baby Steps

If you tend to be uncomfortable in social situations, then give yourself permission to take time to warm up to the environment. When I went to an international conference for the first time, I was extremely shy and very overwhelmed because I had never travelled so far away to attend an event. There were so many people from various countries, but no one around me was from India. I felt uncomfortable, but I decided to use the event as a common ground to strike up a conversation with the people around me.

Everyone had to eat and drink something. So, as I lined up for a drink, I asked someone how the coffee machine worked. Just like that, I began small talk with a complete stranger. It may not seem like much, but it took a lot of courage. It was certainly well worth it. Even if it is difficult for you to step outside your comfort zone, use your current common experience to start a conversation and socialise. While standing in queue for food, you can talk to people in front of you. It is the best opportunity to strike up a conversation while you wait. Look for common ground.

For some people, this is easier said than done. You may understand the importance of small talk, but you just do not feel comfortable talking to strangers for one reason or another. It is totally normal to feel this way because small talk can be intimidating especially when you are attending a large event. If you are at an event with hundreds of attendees, then the dynamics would be very different. It takes more courage to step out of your comfort zone to start a conversation with someone. If you’ve attended a talk, you could use some of the ideas that were discussed as starting points from which you could initiate a discussion with someone.

But if you are more of an extreme introvert and you feel like you just cannot start a conversation, then take the pressure off. Give yourself permission to stay quiet, listen, and observe everyone around you. Other people who are extroverts may notice you and naturally invite you into their conversations or ask you questions to make you feel more comfortable.

It takes patience. It may feel awkward to stand around on your own while everyone else is having a conversation, but if it feels more comfortable for you to listen than to talk, then just wait. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin.

If you happen to be standing in the middle of an ongoing conversation, it is perfectly acceptable to listen quietly. Just because you are in proximity to the conversation does not mean that you have to participate audibly. If you do not have anything valuable to add, then let others do the talking. If someone or something sparks your interest, then use the opportunity to speak up.

Be Genuine No Matter What

It is most important that you are genuine with others around you. People can easily pick up if you are faking your way through the conversation and trying to be someone you are not. Be yourself and allow others to learn more about who you are rather than risk driving them away because of your pretence.

As in most conversations, err on the side of caution. It is better to talk less and walk away with your head held high than to talk too much and regret what you said. Exercise wisdom and self-control so that you know the appropriate moments to speak and listen.

Finally, pick up on the vibe in the conversation. If you begin to notice that the other person may not respond as much or seems disengaged, then end the conversation and move on. Respect the other person’s space and find someone else who may be interested to talk to you. You will feel more comfortable if the other person is also enjoying being a part of the conversation.

1 Have a Clear Agenda

If you have a clear purpose for attending an event, then you can use it to guide your conversations with others. Successful networking depends on whether or not you achieved your goal, even if it means attending a conference to become more comfortable in an unfamiliar space. If you are there to grow your clientele, then make sure you have your business card ready to give away during your conversations.

2 Dress Appropriately

Nothing makes someone more uncomfortable than a person who is under or over-dressed. While this may seem trivial, it can certainly affect whether or not people approach you for a conversation. If it seems like you do not belong in the event, then people will most likely avoid talking to you. On the other hand, if you are shy but dressed appropriately, people are more likely to feel comfortable having a conversation with you.

3 Be Comfortable

People can sense if you are uncomfortable or trying to be an extrovert when it is not who you truly are. Learn to be comfortable with who you are, so you can present yourself in a genuine manner and help others feel more comfortable around you. Take the pressure off, and learn to take baby steps until you are more comfortable initiating a conversation with others.