Emotional Regulation: A Less-Explored Aspect of Leadership Excellence

As leaders, we often encounter challenges that evoke powerful emotions ‒ especially anger. Have you paused to ask yourself why you are angry? What is your anger telling you? The crucial insight I've gained is that anger isn't inherently bad. Instead, it serves as a signpost, highlighting when our core values are being crossed. 

Consider a recent moment when you felt anger rising at work. Was it when a colleague undermined your authority, or perhaps when a deadline was missed? Each instance of anger reveals what truly matters to you as a leader. For me, disrespect or violations of integrity evoke a strong reaction, signaling that those values are core to my identity. 

Can one manage one’s anger without dampening the team’s spirit? Yes, we can and should. Emotional regulation has rarely been a focal theme in leadership discussions, conferences or even popular books. It was assumed that bosses were simply authoritative figures, and employees were implicitly expected to cope with or endure their moods. However, this mindset has shifted dramatically in recent times. Now, we recognize that a leader's emotional state significantly impacts team morale, performance, and overall organizational success. Research shows that poor emotional regulation on the part of the leader may potentially affect motivation and morale of the team. Daniel Goleman’s work on emotional intelligence highlights that success is only 10% determined by intellectual capabilities; the rest hinges on emotional intelligence.

When I look back and reflect on my own professional journey, I have evolved over time from being perceived as the “angry young man” to becoming a more emotionally mature leader. In my earlier years, my reactions usually were often explosive. One particular incident stands out: as a young manager, I would respond with frustration when my team missed deadlines. Instead of constructive feedback, I would express my anger, which ultimately undermined my team’s morale. Over time, I learned to channel that anger into a force for positive change. For example, if low productivity frustrates you, use that anger to advocate for improvements, training, and accountability.

Historical figures like Mahatma Gandhi and Nelson Mandela exemplify how anger over social injustices, when channeled constructively, can drive profound societal change. Their anger served as a catalyst for transformation through powerful social movements. However, when anger is not managed effectively, it can harm team morale and cohesion. As a leader, you must guard against dysfunctional expressions of anger. Such behavior can alienate team members and foster perceptions of autocratic leadership, eroding respect and trust.

Throughout my career, I have encountered toxic leaders whose approaches have served as cautionary examples. These experiences taught me invaluable lessons about what kind of leader I aspire not to be. To prevent the emergence of such leadership styles, organizations should look beyond numerical achievements during promotions and consider a candidate’s temperament and leadership approach.

Incorporating comprehensive evaluations, such as 360-degree feedback, into performance reviews is essential. This approach gathers input from multiple perspectives, fostering a culture of continuous improvement. Personally, I have gained significant insights from 360-degree feedback, which has been instrumental in my personal growth. Sharing this feedback with my team has further helped cultivate a culture of constructive feedback and reflection, paving the way for collective development and progress.

Emotional regulation extends far beyond simply managing anger; it's about understanding the deeper layers of beliefs and assumptions that exist stealthily beneath one’s emotions and feelings. One needs to be aware of one’s emotional triggers and regulate them constructively to grow as a leader. From my experience, regulating emotions begins with an inward journey ‒ confronting uncomfortable truths, reflecting constantly, and making intentional choices about how to respond. This is not a skill you perfect overnight; it requires lifelong commitment.

Cultivating Self-Awareness

The first and most essential step in emotional regulation is self-awareness. Without understanding what triggers your emotions, it's nearly impossible to regulate them. Often, even the smallest emotional reactions can carry hidden meanings. For example, I once found myself irrationally irritated when someone yawned during a meeting. After reflecting on this seemingly trivial reaction, I realized it stemmed from a childhood memory where my brother would yawn as a prank to distract me while I studied making me very irritable.This recognition allowed me to release the tension by reframing the situation ‒ I started mimicking the yawn back, turning an irritant into something manageable.

Takeaway: No emotional reaction is too small to explore. If something bothers you, trace it back to its roots. Understanding where it comes from can help release its hold over you.

Embracing Discomfort to Grow

Emotional regulation often feels like entering a “house of horrors,” where you confront biases, judgments, and irrational behaviors. While uncomfortable, this process is crucial for personal and professional growth. The more willing you are to dive into your emotional triggers, the more you will benefit.

For instance, early in my leadership journey, a colleague once challenged my approach in a meeting. My immediate reaction was defensive, but instead of reacting, I paused, took a breath, and allowed for open dialogue. This small pause became transformative ‒ it shifted my leadership from reactive to reflective, opening doors for better communication and trust.

Practical Tip: In moments of emotional challenge, try pausing before reacting. This creates space to assess your feelings and fosters more thoughtful responses.

Listening as a Tool for Regulation

One of the most powerful tools in emotional regulation is listening ‒ truly listening. When we listen attentively, we are less likely to react impulsively. Listening also allows us to understand the emotions of others, which in turn helps us navigate our own emotional responses more effectively.

In my early years as a  manager , I often felt the need to assert control in meetings by being the first to speak. This habit, I realized, was rooted in a desire for control; to be in charge, rather than exercising leadership in true sense. I decided to change this pattern by practicing what I call “speaking fasting” ‒ I committed to not speaking for the first 20 minutes of any meeting. This practice allowed me to absorb others’ perspectives before sharing my thoughts, creating space for more balanced discussions.

Practical Tip: Try listening more and speaking less in meetings. It can shift your role from dominating the conversation to facilitating it, giving others the chance to feel valued and heard.

Managing Control and Uncertainty

Emotional regulation also involves understanding our relationship with control. Often, when we face uncertainty, we instinctively try to regain control over the situation. But effective regulation comes from being comfortable with ambiguity and learning to respond without needing to control the outcome.

I had a breakthrough moment during a sensitivity training session when a colleague abruptly left the room. My immediate reaction was to demand an explanation, but the feedback I received helped me recognize my tendency to want to control situations, especially when I felt uncertain. This awareness allowed me to step back and practice patience ‒ both in meetings and everyday interactions.

Reflection: Consider how you handle uncertainty. Do you seek control, or can you sit with ambiguity? Developing patience in these moments can lead to more thoughtful and measured responses.

Journaling for Emotional Clarity

Another powerful tool for emotional regulation is journaling. Jotting down your raw thoughts offers a structured way to process your feelings, thereby helping you gain clarity about and deal with the situation with confidence. When emotions run high, journaling allows you to step back and identify patterns of triggers that may not be immediately obvious. It provides a judgment-free space for self-reflection, enabling you to transform vulnerabilities into opportunities for growth.

For example, if you’re feeling anxious or frustrated, journaling can help you determine whether that feeling is rooted in fear, insecurity, or external pressures. Once you pinpoint the cause, you can reframe your thoughts and approach the situation more productively.

Practical Tip: Incorporate journaling into your routine to help you identify emotional triggers and reframe your responses.

Grounding Practices for Regulation

In addition to traditional methods like meditation and yoga, reconnecting with hobbies and interests ‒whether from your younger days or newer pursuits ‒ can be incredibly grounding when managing emotions. Engaging in activities that bring you joy and allow you to focus on something outside of work, helps create a necessary balance. Whether it’s painting, playing an instrument, hiking, or even rediscovering an old pastime, these interests offer a mental break, allowing your mind to reset and your energy to renew.

Practical Tip: When overwhelmed, make time to calm your mind. Commit to a short meditation or reconnect with a hobby or interest that rekindles your inner joy. This will provide a mental break and refresh your perspective, allowing you to approach challenges with renewed focus.

A Lifelong Commitment

The journey of emotional regulation is an ongoing journey and requires courage to question oneself, reflect and evolve as a better person and leader. At 77, I still remind myself that I’m a work in progress. By facing our past, recognizing our triggers, and practicing self-awareness, we not only improve ourselves but also create healthier and a more resilient environment for those around us. As leaders, cultivating emotional intelligence allows us to empower others to thrive.

As a leader, your emotional responses set the tone for your team. If you want to cultivate a high performing organization, you must actively seek to manage your emotions. Here are three key insights that can help you improve your emotional regulation, based on my experiences:

1. Practice Daily Self-Reflection  

Set aside at least 15 minutes each day to reflect on your emotional reactions. Ask yourself critical questions: What triggered my emotions today? Was my reaction appropriate? What could I have done differently? This daily practice will help you identify patterns in your behavior and encourage personal growth. Journaling your thoughts can enhance your insights into your emotional landscape.

2. Dedicate Time to Calming Activities

Incorporate practices like yoga, meditation, or hobbies that help you unwind. When your mind is calm, you can think more clearly and make better decisions. Find what works best for you, whether it’s going for a run, listening to music, or pursuing a long-neglected passion. It’s essential to create a balanced life that nurtures your well-being.

3. Seek Feedback and Act on the same  

Don’t hesitate to ask your peers for feedback on your emotional responses. Openness to criticism fosters a culture of self-improvement and vulnerability. During my leadership journey, I often solicited feedback from colleagues, which helped me refine my emotional intelligence and resilience.

In conclusion, I’ve found that regulating emotions effectively begins with seeking feedback, embracing it with humility, and engaging in meaningful self-reflection. These practices are invaluable in developing control over emotional responses across various contexts. For leaders, the ability to manage emotions is not just a crucial skill but a vital "leadership muscle." Much like building physical strength in the gym, mastering emotional regulation requires consistent effort, deliberate practice, and a commitment to continuous growth.